It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
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When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.