*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
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Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
broke down and did it
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.