[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
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I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
me logging onto twitter
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird