My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
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People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating