Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
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30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Life is a suicide mission.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”