doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
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I really would love to see two mimes arguing
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Dolls on drugs
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?