Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
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I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Brb my Sims are getting married
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl