I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
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Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.