Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
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I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest