1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
You Might Also Like
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
I would move hell over six inches for you
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.