if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
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A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
A family that plays together cheats.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.