[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
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“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”