captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
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My love language is deader than Latin
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.