My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
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I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?