Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
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I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Buying a well is money well spent.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
is this how new cars are made??
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
me, after any kind of buffet.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
*puts my mental health in rice
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?