Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
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[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go