Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
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mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after