You deplete me
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Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
what the
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.