I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
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Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
I love art.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.