[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
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self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.