An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”