Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
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my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
The happy life.. 😊
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”