Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
You Might Also Like
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Not all heroes wear capes…
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
it must be school picture day
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita