Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
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Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute