therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
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welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.