[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
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Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”