Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
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*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
finally found a reasonable question
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*