Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
You Might Also Like
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
hackers play passwordle
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Previously On Persistence 😎
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Hotels are back
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
My patience has stretch marks.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”