if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
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‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.