“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
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Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Two types of dogs.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
asked my bf how work was today
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.