Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
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Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy