How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
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Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
I ate everything, including the H.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.