I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
You Might Also Like
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Canadian owl: Eh?
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.