As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
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I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?