My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
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Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.