[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
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My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
These are my roll models.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.