i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
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Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
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*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
saw this in a dream
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
What a kind woman! 😂😂
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
congratulations to them
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!