Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
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Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed