one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
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Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
A friend helps you before you need it
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?