Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
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I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
She puts the hot in psychotic
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.