[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
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If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese