Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
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goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Actually cracking up @ this
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.