Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
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5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.