PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
You Might Also Like
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants