Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
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ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”