*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
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“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
this independent good boy don’t need no human
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”