Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
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imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already