Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
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Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
scares
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.