A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
You Might Also Like
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Woke up against my better judgment again
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.