I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
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I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Bill is short for Billiam
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.